By Ginger | May 5, 2000
And so it is done. The album is finished, mastered and completed. The artwork is done. After nine months of serious work, the end has finally arrived.
When I started this album there were a whole host of differences in my life. I was living in America. I was reliant on drugs. I was single. I was unhappy. I was confused. I was desperate. I lacked confidence. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my future. I hated the world. I wasn’t expecting to be a father… ever. I wanted to die. I was a year younger. I didn’t have a dog.
Since then I’ve found that the love of a good woman is pound for pound better value than that of a thousand wrong ‘uns. And there was me denying that love existed. I still don’t believe in all that Mills & Boon crap, but I do appreciate the whole point of companionship. Guess I stopped being so hard, and in its place came something to truly die for.
I stopped needing drugs as a tool of motivation and have become much more confident in what I’m able to achieve. There are still cases from my past where friends are killing themselves, and their careers and friendships, due to dependence on drugs. I honestly thought that I could not exist without a daily fix / hit / cop-out, and really believed it was a clinical addiction. All addiction is in the mind. That’s where it starts and, if you want it to, that’s where it ends. The world is much wider without drugs. And, although I can’t deny that it is slightly more boring being clean, the thrill of not knowing what crazy shit is going to happen in my future, but knowing that I’m going to be there to experience it, is a huge buzz in itself.
I don’t hate myself to the point of self destruction any more. Yeah, sure, sometimes life gets to be a bit of an uphill struggle that isn’t always apparently worth the climb, but those moments fly by these days. I guess the whole ‘boredom threshold’ thing has taken a different shape. Life seems to go slower, and is therefore less chaotic. Things just make a little more sense.
I’m still an impatient bastard though. And now I’m on the threshold of a new band, career, life experience, and it’s all down to hard work and good company. I’m going to be a father to a baby boy in September. I have a dog (well, Angie has a dog and it also has me) that everyone in the world seems to be in love with. And I also have a life with a great woman to look forward to.
In my endless search for the perfect partner over the years, I came to the conclusion that I was one of the most stupid people in the world. I know there are many, many stupid people – so many in fact that it’s easy to become inconspicuous in the crowd – but when you are faced with your own stupidity it kinda hurts. The reason for this is that I thought I was going to find someone to share my life with, and they weren’t going to notice that I wanted to kill the world and rid it of love, peace and sober thought. What a catch I must have seemed!
You don’t just love, you are love. You must radiate a warmth and kindness, otherwise all you are going to attract are the ugly, cold people. And, believe it, ugliness is all inside. And now I must carry a certain confidence in who I am that attracts enough attention from ladies that I would have been honoured to attract. (And, secretly, still am.) It’s nice to go home and know that you just ‘connected’ with someone without having to desperately try to ‘conquer’ them. I see old friends trying for a different girl / boy every night, and I listen while they constantly complain about not having found a Mr / Miss Right yet. Just plenty of Mr / Miss Right Nows. How could they? They still need a different sexual partner each time to convince themselves that they’re still attractive. Now that’s ugly.
Times change and stuff gets done, and nothing means that much. At times I still would like to die. At times I still get lonely for no reason. At times I still want to kill / get high / fuck a stranger… y’know, all that common human shit that we all think is really individual and unique. Sometimes being a human being is a fucking drag. But only the weak fall.